The One Left Behind
by mabelreid
Summary: When JJ dies, Reid's true feelings for her surface AU One shot


**_Disclaimer: see my profile_**

**_Hello all... This has been knocking around in my head for a couple of days. It was intended to be a one shot but I don't know if it's over or not. It depends on the bunnies and Adele who's unsuprisingly unpredictable of late. For now it'll remain in the in progress category unless something changes. _**

**_The One Left Behind_**

The green grass beneath his feet had the soft yellow touch of early fall. The leaves, still on the trees around the house waved in the gentle breeze. White fluffy clouds changed shape in the cobalt blue sky that matched her eyes and the eyes of Reid's beautiful little godson.

Henry toddled around the front lawn of JJ and Will's home as though everything was fine. He played with colorful little blocks and a few little trucks and cars on the velvety lawn. It could have been like any other day for him.

Reid sat watching Henry as the child played and jabbered to his toys. The breeze ruffled the little boy's hair as he reached for a different toy. Reid's eyes pricked as they had since everyone had congregated for JJ's funeral. He just couldn't believe it was happening, that she was gone in a blink of an eye. He should have been faster. He should've realized more quickly the connection to the un-sub that had taken her. If he had, they may have saved her.

Henry stood up on little legs and hurried over to the porch. He attempted to climb up the steps on his hands and feet. He had something in one of his little hands that impeded him a bit so Reid got up and walked over to him. He picked up the little boy and took him back to his seat in the patio swing.

Henry looked up at him with JJ's eyes and held out his little hand. He held a small red painted car that he wanted Reid to take.

"Thank you Henry. That's a great little car you got there."

"Mama…" He said to Reid.

"Mama isn't here," Reid choked out unable to look at Henry's eyes that were her eyes too. "She had to go away."

Henry just looked at him as though he wasn't quite satisfied with this turn of events. "I don't know if I believe in Heaven," Reid said as tears finally escaped his control. "I do know that if there is such a place, your mama is there, because she's the best person I know. I love her very much." He whispered.

Henry put up a tiny hand to Reid's face. His soft little touch broke the damn. "She loved your daddy so much and that was okay." His continued, barely able to speak. "I loved her from the very first moment I saw her. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I knew from the first moment that she'd never love me the way I loved her. It hurt to know that, but I couldn't stop even when she met your dad.

Henry squirmed in his arms and Reid realized he was holding the little guy a bit too tightly. "Sorry buddy…" He apologized. "I'm so sorry you're young enough that you won't remember her, or all the things she did for you. She loved you so much. She would've done anything for you."

Henry stared up at him as though he understood on some level what Reid was saying to him.

"I know if she can, she'll watch over you always Henry. If you need anything you can call me too if you want."

He hugged the little boy close until Henry began to cry and fuss. The front door opened at the same time to reveal Gideon standing there with Garcia. "I'll take him in to Will." She hurried over and took Henry from Reid's arms. "I'll see you two in a minute." She left him sitting there with tears leaking slowly down over his cheeks, her own red and puffy eyes betraying her sorrow.

"Hey Reid," Gideon walked over to lean on the white painted wooden railing across from Reid. "How are you?" He asked quietly.

"I'm fine… Henry seems to be okay." He observed.

"You know as well as I do that he'll forget all about this in time." Gideon said. "I'm more concerned about you and your memory."

"I'm sure I'll be fine." Reid said twisting his hands in his lap. "Thanks for coming back Gideon. I'm sorry it had to be for something so sad. I'm sure JJ would -"

"Stop it Spencer," Gideon said loudly. "This is me you're talking to. I know you better than you know yourself."

"No," Reid said in a whisper through gritted teeth. "You don't know me anymore _Jason_," he added sarcastically. "I'm a different person than I was three years ago."

"I know that Reid," Gideon said in a placating tone. "I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. I know how much she meant to you. I've always known," he said

"Then you know my life is over without her." Reid said. "I should be worrying about Henry." He opened his hands and arms wide. "All of this should be about JJ, Will and Henry. Will's the one that lost the woman he loved enough to want to marry. It's not about me. It's never been about me and that's what hurts so much. She'll never know how badly she broke my heart, that I wish every day of my life that Henry was mine, not Will's child. She'll never know the guilt that eats me alive every time I think about it."

"I'm sorry Spencer," Gideon said, "but you have to let it go. She's gone and she was never yours in the first place."

"I know that… Don't think I don't know that." Reid stood up. "I have to get out of here. Please tell Will I will call him and check in on Henry. Tell them I wasn't feeling well. Tell them all my mother's ill. I don't care what you tell them."

"You need to stay and deal with this." Gideon said.

"No… I don't have to stay here and deal with this." Reid held out his arms again as more tears dropped from his eyes. "It's my turn to run away."

He saw the raw pain in Gideon's eyes at his outburst, and guilt tore at him. It didn't stop him. He brushed past his old mentor and headed down the stairs to his ancient little Volvo. He'd held it together through the funeral and this gathering but he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Spencer," he heard Gideon call out to him, but he ignored him.

He'd get into his car and head for the sunset. Maybe it was time to go home, back to Las Vegas and the hot sun that might burn the memories of her from his head and set him free… At last!


End file.
